My name is DeAnna, and
I'm a sober alcoholic
I grew up in a middle
class area of Southern California. I am now 35 years old.
My mother has
agoraphobia and my father is bipolar and has had episodes of schizophrenic
breaks.
I didn't learn good
social skills from either of them so was very shy.
When I was seven
something happened to me that changed my life completely.
I was molested by a
friends father.
I didn't know how to
deal with what had happened. I was angry and ashamed. I don't
understand why, but I started acting out sexually inappropriately. My
behaviors made me feel more guilty and ashamed than the actual
molestation itself.
When I hit puberty
something in me changed. The guilt and shame that I felt became so
overwhelming. I was afraid that people would be able to tell by
looking at me what had happened and what I had done.
I decided that I
was going to try and make it so that no one would be able to tell how dirty
and disgusting I was. I turned off emotionally and started
"acting" the way I wanted to be perceived. I started
to gain weight, so that I wouldn't be sexually appealing, I started wearing
dresses every day, so that I would appear to be pure and innocent. I
started "acting" very nice to everyone and tried to make it so
that everyone liked me.
I "acted" this
way all through junior high and high school. I wanted to be perfect
and clean. I made sure that I got perfect grades. I was
nice and sweet to everyone. I didn't date, drink or smoke.
When I turned 21, I
decided that since it was legal, that I could drink without losing my
"perfect" image.
The first time I drank I
LOVED the effect it had on me. For the first time since I was eleven I
didn't feel ANYTHING. No guilt, no shame, no need to be perfect.
NOTHING. I felt free. The actor disappeared when I drank.
I could do and say things that I would never be able to do and say while
sober.
For a few years I only
drank off and on. When I did drink I ALWAYS got drunk. I would
either pass out, black out, or throw up. I loved the effect it had on
me while I was drinking, but I hated the end results.
I didn't drink on a
regular basis because I didn't know anyone else who did, so it didn't fit in
with my "perfect" image.
When I was 29, I met my
husband. He was a daily drinker who never got sick. I was
delighted to find out that I could drink every day with him and he would
still in my mind think I was perfect. I could drink every night to
oblivion. My actor could turn off every night. I
didn't have to deal with anything. I thought it was great.
I got into a really sick
routine. I drank rum and Diet Dr. Pepper every night. My goal
for the evenings would be to maintain my buzz and the feeling of oblivion I
got while drinking as long as I could. I did everything I could to
keep from throwing up or blacking out. I wanted it to last as long as
possible. My goal was to just pass out from drinking without getting
sick or blacking out. This rarely happened. I usually ended up
throwing up 4 or 5 days a week. It was killing my throat and damaging my
teeth.
I was so sick that I
went to AA for the first time. I just couldn't live like that anymore.
I went to meetings every day, I got a sponsor, I started attempting to work
the steps.
There was one huge
obstacle for me though. I could never get past the 1st step. I
knew I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable, but both of my
parents were atheists and raised my sister and I that way. We mocked
religions and people who had faith. We thought that these people were
weak and only believed in God because they were afraid of death. I
couldn't open my mind and heart to believe that there was a power greater
than myself. People at meetings suggested that I use the group, a
light bulb, a door knob, etc. etc. as my higher power. Unfortunately
a door knob never could restore me to sanity. It was suggested to
me that I should believe that others believe. Unfortunately
that didn't work either. I was told to "fake it til ya
make it". That didn't work either.
Since I couldn't get steps 2 and 3, my sponsor and I started
working on my 4th step. As a 4th step, she had me write a drunk-a-log.
Basically a story of all the bad things I had done while drinking. For
my 5th step she had me read what I had written to her. It didn't make
me feel any better.
I felt emotionally sick
and didn't have alcohol anymore to make the feelings go away. I was
doing everything that was suggested to me, but nothing was working. I
felt so bad I wanted to die. After 7 months, I decided that since I
felt as bad sober as drunk, if not worse, that I might as well feel NOTHING
drunk.
My husband and I went to
Las Vegas. They were running a promotion "What Happens in Vegas,
Stays in Vegas". I thought...I'll just drink this weekend.
It will stay in Vegas.
It didn't stay in Vegas.
When I came home I didn't want to drink and get sick anymore, but I wanted
to drink enough so that I would feel nothing, I was planning to
only drink on weekends. Unfortunately every day when I woke up, I
would tell myself, I'm not going to drink today. As the day wore on I
would think to myself, "well, I'll just have one", when I got home
I drank one drink and couldn't control it and drank like I did
before...until I was sick.
I gave up and
started drinking every day again. But, I learned a few tricks to help
with the throwing up and blacking out. I thought I was so clever.
I figured out that if I drank three strong drinks when I got home from
work, then ate dinner, drank more until I felt almost like I was going to
get sick and ate again, that I could sometimes keep from getting sick.
I could tell when it wasn't going to work and that I was going to get sick.
On those days, I would eat a can of Anderson's Split Pea Soup.
The pea soup made it so that when I threw up it didn't burn as much.
I was waking up with
hangovers every morning. I was having a hard time getting up in
the morning.
I am a bookkeeper for a
small company and I started to go into work later and later every day.
My boss didn't care if I came in late as long as I got my work done, which I
did. I started getting to work at noon and wanted to drink so badly
that I would leave at 5 p.m. I was an hourly employee, so I only
got paid for the hours that I was at work. Since I was only working
five hours a day, I wasn't making enough money to pay all of my bills.
I started adding my utility bills to the other bills I was
entering and paying them through the company.
I continued this pattern
for almost a year. I got sicker and sicker. I started
feeling pain everyday where my liver is and was throwing up and blacking out
almost every night. One night I vomited so violently that my throat swelled
up. I could not eat solid foods and could barely swallow liquids.
I went to the doctor and told him that I had thrown up because of a bad stomach
flu. He told me that my throat might be permanently damaged.
That scared me to death. But not enough to make me stop drinking.
After a week the
swelling started to go down a little. I started to be able to eat
soft foods and started drinking alcohol again. I craved the
alcohol so badly. I wanted to drink like I normally did, but knew that
I couldn't get sick again. I didn't want to damage my throat any
further. A few nights I came close to throwing up, but I didn't.
My throat was still hurting really badly and my liver was hurting and I
was just feeling sick all over. I was so sick of drinking but I
couldn't stop. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live like I
was any more.
I decided to give AA one
more chance. See if I could get it to work for me.
I went back to a couple
meetings and tried to get back with the program. I also found an
online AA meeting and chat room on AOL.
When I was a couple days
sober, I was sitting watching people chat in the AA Online chat room. I
saw someone talking to another person in the room about how to work the
steps as directed by the Big Book. She explained that the Big
Book is like an instruction manual for how to get "well" and
recover from alcoholism. That there are specific instruction in the
Big Book for how to do each step. I had never heard anyone say
anything like that before.
Her words gave me HOPE
for the first time in so long. I felt like there was a change that I
could recover from this sick state I was in.
I asked her if I could follow
along with the person she was talking to. She invited me to
follow along and asked me if I had a Big Book. I did in my car.
I ran out to my car to get it and eagerly followed along.
She outlined steps one
through three for me by the Big Book. When I read the Big Book I
started to see how my prejudice, stubbornness, and close mindedness kept me
from being able to believe in a power greater than myself. I read and
could relate to the people who used to believe that man would never fly or ever
go to the moon. They had no faith and were absolutely firm in their belief
that these things could and would never happen. Just as I had
always been so sure that there was and could be no God or higher
power. These people were wrong about the possibility of flight...they
were proven wrong over time. I started to realize that perhaps I
didn't know everything and didn't have all the answers. That perhaps I
was wrong.
I became a little bit
willing to believe in the possibility that there could be a higher power or
God. I wrote a list of things I was willing to believe about a Higher
Power and a list of things I was not willing to believe. I
focused on the list of things I was willing to believe and laid my prejudice
aside for the other things.
With this little bit of
willingness and open mindedness I was finally able to come to believe in a
power greater than myself and that it could restore me to sanity.
I asked the person who
gave me this hope if she would take me through the rest of the steps and be
my sponsor. She said she would.
She outlined Step 4 for
me exactly how it is suggested to do it in the Big Book. For
the first time in my life I started to deal with all of the things that had
been torturing me since I was a little girl. I was able to see where I
was at fault in things that I had always felt like a victim about. I
did my 5th step with her over the phone. I didn't think I would have
the courage to do it, but I told her things that I thought I would take to
the grave. I thought she would hate me after I told her
everything, but she didn't judge me. I was so relieved.
I did steps 6 and
becoming willing to have God remove my defects and shortcomings. In
step 7, I was able to give all the things that had happened and that I
had done to God. The relief I felt was indescribable. I cried
with joy and happiness. I felt as if the weight of everything I was
carrying was lifted off me. For me this was the beginning of my
"Spiritual Awakening" that is described in the Big Book.
I continued on and did
step 8, writing down a list of people I had harmed, including the company
that I worked for. I am making amends, Step 9, to everyone on my
list. I have learned that making an amend is more than just
saying you are sorry. I found that I have to try to amend or
"make right" the things I have done and not do them ever
again. One of my big amends is paying back the company I work for.
It will take me a while, but I am working the debt down. It
feels so good to be honest.
My sponsor then outlined
steps 10 and 11 for me. These steps help me live life on a daily
basis. A lot of stressful things still happen in my life, but these
steps help me deal with them in a healthy manner.
My sponsor then told me
that I need to try to help other alcoholics (Step 12) who are suffering
like I was. To give to others what was so freely given to me.
My biggest wish now is
that every suffering alcoholic will find the solution that I have
found. There are specific directions for how to get well in the
Big Book and it just takes a little willingness, honesty, and open
mindedness to follow them.
The promises listed in
the Big Book are coming true for me, and I am happier than I have ever been
in my whole life.
I pray that other
alcoholics will hear the message of HOPE that they too can recover
from alcoholism.
DeAnna T.