Looking At My Life

I am on the outside
looking out on my life.
All these people that surround me
as though they are the same.

Once I had a problem, and drinking was its name
I would beat on my daughter
just like mom had done to me.
I would not want to hold her
all the guilt I felt inside
seeing her scared with so much fear in her eye.
The tears that roll down her face.
were all to familiar in my eyes.
I remember those tears from being a young girl
when mom kicked out Dad
and he walked out that door.

But when I took a step back
I would think of my son
that was a few years later
after the beating was close was done
I also have a son
who is just as dear to me.
I would see the Fear in his eyes
when his sister would get beat.
he was only 2 but I saw the pain there.
That is when I thought
There might be a problem here.

That is what my mom did to me
so I thought it was right.
But when I look at this picture
now that my eyes are clear
I know none of it was  right
and that was a big Fear.

My dad was once a drunk
but never hit us kids.
he would see the bruises on us
That we had got from Mom
then he would turn to her
and she would get them to
I don't remember much of all that took place.
I guess there is some I remember.
and some I wish to forget

My parents divorced when I was 5
then my dad got sober
he started hanging out with these guys
they call it friends of Bill W

So then I got myself involved
in a love that I thought was true.
He would beat me all the time
and I thought it meant that he loved me to.
We would drink together
and I would loose myself again
for I did not know where I was going
to the bottom of the bottle again

Whenever I would get home
I would smell the other woman
I would ask him  her name
and bam the fist would go.
It took me sometime
to get away from this deal
Broken and sprained bones
most all of the heart was to
I guess it took some time
to learn this was not true love
12 years later
I say to what I thought was love.
Living in serene each day
without that man I thought I loved.

Some may think
what a horrible person I am
I will be the first to tell you
that I live in a chaos land
The devil lead my thoughts
and so did that bottle.
We always learn from are mistakes
But which way will we go

So here I am today
sober one more day
Looking out what I was
and where I am today

I have not felt the need to hit my daughter in any way
 I can sit here and hold her
 when she is in pain
and when I am sad and hurting
she does the very same.
For I know how to be a mom
thanks to being sane.
I would have never knew
how to be a mom
if it was not for AA

My boy does not remember much
of me back then
He just goes out and rides his dirt bike
and sister and I cheer away
I thank god I learned to love
in a good positive way
I love my kids and life
and now God leads the way

Since I got sober
All these things have changed
just incase you are wondering
that was 8 yrs ago
and I live in just for today

thanks to some steps
and God that I know real well
and all those old timers
that helped show me the way.

I figured out who I am
and what I used to be
I hope that I never stop learning
and who I use to be
remembering that last drunk
is a very visual memory to me
I never will forget
what the last drink did for me

I don't miss drinking
and I don't miss who I was.
After 8 yrs of sobriety
I have not learned everything.

I am now a single mom
and have a lot of friends
they are friends of Bill W
Maybe you have heard of him

There is one thing I long for
I just have many dreams
a relationship with a person
that could be only in my dreams
I see that others are married
That can make me sad
I guess it is jealousy
wishing it was I.

But each morning that I wake up
and turn my life over to God
I know that when I am ready
There will be my missing man
that God has chosen for me.

After taking some steps I learned
that God is here for me.
I just hope you believe
that he is with,
 all those who believe.

for he has never left me
I just left him there
sitting on that back burner
or swept under those stairs

so now I have a god
That I except in my life
who I can understand
and I keep him in my life
Then there is these steps
That we all suggest you do
They are numbered
so we all don't get confused

I continue to work some of them
daily in my life.
If you are new here
To the friends of Bill W
I would like to say welcome
and I do hope you stay.

Your life does not change over night
and you may still have struggles
just remember that we were all new once
sitting in your chair

MX Lisa